It's All Going Horribly Wrong

OK, I've not updated this blog in quite a while. The simple (and honest) answer is that I've been fine, I've had a good time and I've been doing well. I'll fill you in with some of the trivial details later on in a few 'catch-up' posts.

So, it's pretty ironic that whilst I've been really happy the last few months and been distracted by everything going well in my life and things heading in a positive direction... everything's been going horribly wrong and I've just not taken the time or care to notice.

What happened to 'Personal Power'? Call in brainwash if you want... but when church elders and my psychiatrist are amongst those who tell me I need to start listening to them again then I probably need to take that seriously! They were working, so why did I stop? On the discs, Tony Robbins clearly says that if you don't follow through to the end and complete the course then continue to exercise your brain daily and follow the tasks you will fail... I have failed.

That failure has caused a series of failures. Many of the decisions I made and decided to stick by have resulted in failure... though I have been able to stick to some. I know I've had a substantial change in routine and sorroundings by moving into my new flat... which, again, I'll post about in another Blog (I'm loving it by the way).

Over the last month or so my diet/weight has reached the stage again where it's started to affect my health which results in me being in more pain so therefore grumpier than usual with people who annoy me (more on that later!). I need to be careful how much fat/salt/sugar and even protein I eat. I need to remember I can't tolerate as much of these as most people rather than just ignoring that and eating more than them. Some of the time I'm in a fair amount of pain which makes me less useful and also my pancreas has started to deteriorate. Also, needing to take a heap more of painkillers slows down my reaction times... although unfortunately they don't make me less hyper or manic. Being manic is another problem because I'm frequently crossing the line with jokes etc at the moment and there's only so much of that that some people can take. I've also gambled on a few occassions... not a large amount of money, just a few pounds in fruit machines and I've generally won BUT it's a slippery slope and one I need to avoid going anywhere near. Winning at this stage would be more dangerous for me than losing as it makes me think I'm unstoppable and can win every time and then do it all the more so I need to nip that in the bud! I don't mind allowing myself the concession of playing the quiz machine (because I'm so damn smart, and also it doesn't eat money very quickly).

On a fun night out yesterday it suddenly dawned on me that if I'm manic at the moment and I'm also letting my standards slip... then I'm heading for a serious fall... and I'm not to keen on falls so would rather deal with it before it happens. A nice gentle climb-down will suit me nicely.

So, it's a case of STOP! (hammer time)... before I get distracted by anything else I'm going to read over my notes from the days of Personal Power I did and make the decision to reapply myself and my goals. I need to focus.

Look out for more updates... oh, did I mention that John G says that he can't understand people who need to write about their sad pathetic miserable little lives on the internet and he can't understand people who are sad, bored and pathetic enough to take an interest in reading about other people's sad pathetic miserable little lives. I'm sure he has a wonderful career in social work ahead of him!