Beating The Odds

Well, I've finally got something to write here again.

First I need to address the title. No, I've not been on a wild gambling spree... that would be going completely against character ::cough::. The reason for the title is that I had plans for this weekend and I wanted it to be a good weekend as it was to be the last weekend before my best friend goes away for a couple of months. We had a couple of things planned. Friday night we were going to be going out to Paul & Elizabeth's which we were looking forward to and Saturday night we were going out with several friends for a meal at a place Lizzie really liked and then out to see a film that I really liked the look of.

On Wednesday I developed a pain round my back/side... kind of like a really bad stitch that just wouldn't go away. Now, I get stitches from time to time... fair enough it's usually just from walking. I hate to think what pains I'd get if I ever tried to go any faster. It made it pretty uncomfortable to get around. By Thursday I was really in quite a lot of pain but I thought it was better to be ill mid-week and be well for the weekend so it couldn't spoil my good time.

On Friday I had to get up really early as I just couldn't get comfortable in bed but I could hardly move at all the pain was just really severe. I don't like to tell Lizzie when I'm suffering but she knew something was up. I could hardly move and wasn't saying very much. When the woman who cleans our house came round she really wasn't happy with the situation and phoned the doctors up. For some reason they're pretty quick to respond when I'm ill in case I'm going to die or something... although the way I see it if I'm going to die I don't really need a doctor because an undertaker would be far more useful. Besides which, death is simply God's way of telling you to slow down a little bit (I always say that... I'm a bit repetitive... but it's the only joke I know... although when I say it I'm not actually joking).

The doctor arrived and started touching my side and saying "Does this hurt?". I know he wasn't touching me hard but it made me scream out. Maybe it's just because I'm a big wimp and it's pain most people wouldn't bat an eyelid at but I screamed none-the-less. I told him I wasn't going to hospital as I had plans to go out. I even told him that they were not to go out to a rave but they were just to go to P&E's house. He must know Paul & Elizabeth because he must have not believed me (maybe he thought they were planning a rave) and he told me that I wasn't to go anywhere and that I could stay at home but if I got any worse he wanted Lizzie to phone an amublance. Doctors are drama queens but I suppose they have to be careful in the day and age when people take each other to court (not that you can really do that when you're dead). He told me my kidney wasn't working properly (no change there) and had filled up with stones and that they'd caused a 'severe' infection. I don't really like the word 'severe' because if it was severe I'd be in a coma or something not just in pain and if it wasn't for the pain I wasn't feeling especially iller than normal. He asked me if I felt sick at all. That's a pretty pointless question for me because I always feel sick so how am I going to judge if I'm more sick than normal? He said he'd treat is 'aggressively'... I don't want my doctor to be aggressive. I want my doctor to be gentle. He went away and an hour or so later the chemist developed some anti-biotics... a little research told me it was quite a high dose of quite a powerful one. In fact Arlene told me that she'd only seen that dose treating people with pneumonia. I'd told her a friend was on them because if I'd told her it was me she would have stopped me going out too. The problem with friends who care about you is that they worry about you and have your best interests at heart. I'd rather have fun than worry about what's good for me. People (including me) slag off the NHS so much but sometimes they aren't that bad. The doctor was round at our house within an hour of being phoned and I had the pills within another hour... it could have been so much worse... I could have ended up in the dreaded 'combined assessment' ward.

All this silence without writing on here and now I've got a whole great long story, oh well children, let us continue...

Lizzie was still not happy with me going out but I persuaded her that I'd only go if I was feeling a lot better and not to cancel too early. The pain did ease throughout the afternoon to some extent. I think Lizzie must have been doing a bit of praying for me. I was still in quite a bit of pain but I often find that doing something and having fun acts as a great distraction. I've always found that laughter is a great painkiller... although some times of pain can be made worse through laughing... but it's the chemicals/adrenalin it releases that goes charging through your veins tha really makes you feel good. It means that it's possible to feel both very very good and very very bad at the same time. I had a good time out on Friday night and was actually fairly comfortable throughout the evening compared with earlier in the day and did a pretty good job of hiding the fact that I was in so much pain I could barely move from everyone else. The pain actually eased a little bit more throughout the evening so maybe just being sorrounded by friends is medicine in itself.

On Saturday I woke up really early in the morning in pain again and had to get up. I was worried for two reasons. Firstly, I was in pain... which is a worry in itself but secondly it meant that I was likely to get really tired. Generally I need around 10 hours sleep a night to function properly and I only had 5 or 6. I'm really bad for constantly falling asleep and then catching myself falling asleep and waking up again. Sometimes the cycle can repeat itself as often as every 10 seconds... even then I still refuse to go to bed in case I miss spending time with my friends. It's fair enough if you're watching something on TV because you can just pause it and go to bed... that's one of the great things about Sky+, you don't need to worry about staying up to watch your favourite TV programs. If you need to go to bed early you can. I used to get really frustrated if I got tired at 6pm and needed to sleep for a couple of hours because it meant I'd miss the soaps... and I didn't want to be missing my soaps! Anyway, I'm being distracted again. I wish you'd stop distracting me and let me get on with telling you about Saturday.

I made it through Saturday and again it was a pretty painful day with a lot of wimpering and snivelling in my own privacy and then pulling myself together when anyone was speaking to me. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to sit comfortably through a film and you really don't want to eat when you're in pain. Thankfully the anti-biotics didn't seem to be making me feel any more sick than usual so that was a bonus. 5 o'clock came and I was still feeling pretty bad so I was a bit worried. I organised myself like I usually do before I go out. I put all the pills I'd need in a box. Even if I'm just going out for a few hours I still need to take pills with me which is a real pain as I never really have any proper pockets with the clothes I wear. I hate having to wear really scruffy looking clothes all the time as it does my self-respect no good because I feel like I'm beneath everyone else and am an embarrassment to be seen with. The problem is that when I do try to wear clothes that are a bit smarter I find them really restrictive and they end up making me feel really uncomfortable and really ill and I can't enjoy myself at all. I do genuinely feel ashamed of how I look to other people. I know that those who care about me don't mind and accept me for who I am and not how I look but that doesn't stop those people who don't know me so well and know my circumstances looking down on me. There is one person who is especially bad. I won't name her incase someone connected to her ever chances accross this blog but every time she sees me she drops hints about my appearance. It's more Lizzie she has a go at when I'm out the room. Every thing I've done to build up Lizzie's self-esteem she sets out to destroy by insulting everything Lizzie does and believes in. She slags of our house because it looks lived in. We'd rather our friends come round and make a mess whereas she'd rather her house was clean and tidy and nothing out of place... but nobody would see it as she wouldn't want anyone to come round and mess it up. She believes a house should be hoovered a minimum of three times a day. Our house isn't that bad... it does get hoovered three times a week but that's just not good enough for her. She knows better than to say these things to my face but she makes Lizzie feel terrible. Anyway, back to what I was talking about... it's a good job that Lizzie has a handbag because she needs to carry my water, my pills, my wallet, my keys, but disabled badge and anything else that I happen to need. I know that I should probably carry these things myself but for that I'd need a 'man-bag' and I'm just too hetrosexual to have one of them... I mean... they're totally gay... except Stuart's... yeah... erm... let's move on...

I was sorting out the pills I'd need for the evening. My anti-biotics, gabapentin, codeine phosphate, diclofenac sodium and metoclopramide... fortunately all my other pills could stay at home as I wouldn't need them in the few hours I'd be out. I guess I must have still been distracted by the pain... maybe that's just an excuse because I'm very forgettful at the best of times. Frustratingly so. The most frustrating thing is the lack of consistency. Some things I remember brilliantly in absolutel tiny detail and then everything else I just forget. I wish I could be somewhere in the middle. I felt like a complete plank... I was a complete plank... I AM a complete plank. Plank is Lizzie's current favourite descriptive term for an individual who has done something stupid or who is generally annoying to Lizzie in some way.

I didn't want to make anyone have to take me back to get the pills as that'd take half an hour but at the same time I really really did need the pills. I wanted to try and just see if I could get through the evening but I realised for once I'd have to concede and get the pills. I spent most of the journey apologising to Arlene for being so stupid an forgetting them and completely ruining her evening and her life and ruining the world and everthing was my fault and I was such a loser (all my usual rubbish). I eventually realised that my apologising was far more annoying than the initial forgetfulness so the entire way back I apologised for how much I'd been apologising all the way home.

When we got back to the restaurant Lizzie said 'keys' in a strict voice and stuck her hand out. This panicked me... she never trusts me to look after money or keys or anthing like that incase I lose them and when she ordered me to hand the keys back over I panicked and started looking through my pockets and for 30 seconds couldn't find them for looking for them and was worried that I was going to be called a plank again and cause even more trouble. I did find the keys and was very relieved.

I was really glad with the turn-out for the meal and cinema as I feel really hated when I try to organise something and nobody turns up. It just makes you feel like nobody wants to be around you or even go to something that you've organised even if they don't have to sit at the same table as you. That's nobody's fault because they have a right to a life and to be busy. So many people have things going on in their own lives and are committed to doing things that they can't just drop everything and go along to everything. The feelings I have aren't so much to do with them as to do with me. It's not their fault that I feel like that and I wouldn't expect them to do anything differently just for the sake of how I feel. What happened in my childhood isn't the fault of people I now know... and you can't socialise with everyone. I know there are people I don't especially look forward to spending time with and they're far less 'complicated' or 'difficult' than I am.

David McNeil, Liston, Lindsey, Neil, Arlene, Lizzie and I had a good meal. Due to me stealing half an hour from everyone we didn't have time for desserts so we decided to go back after the meal. We asked Chiquitos what time they closed and they said about 10pm so we booked a table for 9:30 as that's what time we thought the film would end. By the time it was 7:50 and the film start time was 7:50 and I was throwing a fit worrying about time. "No, you can't go to the toilet", "No, you can't have a cigarette", "No, you can't just sit chatting.", "No, you can't queue for popcorn", "No, you can't breathe" were just a few of the things I could be heard shouting at the rest of the group. Whilst everyone else organised themselves I went to collect the tickets and buy the sweets and popcorn before rounding everyone up and herding them promptly in to the film... I was worried about missing the start and also about not getting a seat. Again, I got to feel like a plank because the cinema was pretty empty so we could have sat anywhere and we had to watch about 4 hours of trailers before the film began so we didn't have to rush... we still wouldn't have had time for desserts.

The film was funny, it was called American Dreamz and I highly recommend it. It was far more political than I thought it would be and some of the things I was surprised they would get away with... I didn't fall asleep and I was quite comfortable... although my bum started to hurt towards the end but I'm used to that... serves me right for having no butt muscles. Three years ago I had my own built-in cushions and my own built-in insulation... what I'd give be 23 stone again... well... maybe 13 stone... even that'd be nice. Then I wouldn't have to ask girls to open jars and bottles for me. Again, I can't complain because at one point my strength wasn't a fraction on what it is now. I couldn't physically lift a dinner plate... now that's pathetic.

Yesterday I was at church in the morning and at night and had a good time again. Everyone who contributed to making my weekend happy and my life in general happy will have no idea how greatful I am to them. Even the smallest of gestures doesn't go unnoticed. I am really so thankful to a lot of people for a lot of things.

Today is the first day since last week where I've woken up relatively pain free (aside from the usual pains I've grown used to) so I'm thankful to God for that and also to my friends who've made me enjoy myself so much that I managed to cheat illness this weekend and have a really good time. I will have memories to cherish that I nearly didn't have. I feel so lucky and honoured to have such good friends but can't help thinking that I don't deserve them because they do so much for me and I do nothing good in return. I just hope they know that if there's ever anything they need and I can help them with it then I'm always happy to help.

I better go now as I've got stuff to do... I never quite accomplish everything in my 'to do' list. I wish there were more hours in the day but then I'd get tired so I'd need to sleep in the middle of the day and it just wouldn't work out being much more use... I'll shut up now. The good thing about writing this much is I can be pretty safe in the knowledge that nobody in their right mind will read it all.

Phil