Pete The Stag

Nobody was more surprised than me when we heard that Peter Ervine was going to be getting married. Not only did it squash certain rumours that had been widely circulating but also, who could possibly be getting married to Peter? I mean, I'm already married to the only blind person at our church!

The stag party was to include a meal on the Friday at an indian restaurant and go-karting on the following Monday. I quickly signed up for both... well, I don't get out much.

The indian was a little bizarre because we had to fit around 24 people around a table for 6 and with the number of side orders, different dishes, drinks, breads, sundried, rices, meats, sauces, poppadums etc you get at an indian that's not an easy challenge. I ordered a spit-roasted chicken as this appeared to be the only thing that wasn't too spicy and didn't involve tomato. I also ordered a garlic Naan... one of my favourites... I love garlic naan... would never dream of having an indian and not having a garlic naan. My chicken came on the bone and I didn't have a clue what to do with it so forunately Donald came to my rescue and deboned it for me. I kept asking the location of my garlic naan throughout the meal but didn't get heard over all the noise so was very very upset when I didn't get it.

When it came to ordering desserts the waiter asked me what I'd like and I informed him I wanted a garlic naan which he laughed at and then took the next order. Donald told him I was being serious and he smiled and took the next order. Again Donald said in a serious manner than seriously I was seriously being serious and that seriously I seriously wasn't a garlic naan for my dessert. The guy still didn't write it down so Donald practically had to grab his arm and write it on the pad for him. When it arrived it was a very nice garlic naan. Donald had some horrible ricecake drowned in a bowl of milk.... oh yummy... a lot to be said for having garlic naan for dessert... or pudding as I prefer to call it.

The 2nd part of the 'stag do' was go-karting. You'd expect me to say I haven't driven before but that simply isn't true. I had had recent experience of driving a lawnmower at speeds of up to 5mph... picking up the occassional rabbit along the way of course.

Now, I don't need to be behing a wheel to be a danger to myself and others so this was going to be fun! We arrived at the go-karting and I asked if we got a 'practice lap' but no, we were racing straight away. Of course, had they known I had 2% vision they would have never let me in a car. On close examination (it needs to be with me) of one of their posters it boasted about '10 years of safe driving', I was looking forward to adding at the bottom 'until Phil had a shot'.

My first injury occured getting into the contraption... getting in... before even starting. I twisted my knee and it was really painful. I got in and just about felt a tear in both eyes. Donald asked me if I wanted to get out. I said 'no', not because I was being brave but because getting up would requite putting weight on said knee... no way, I was too scared... it really really hurt. We set off and I started driving round the track. I got a bit lost and on my 1st lap drove into the pit lane. I had to come up with some stupid reason why I'd done it on purpose. On my 2nd lap I did it again and this time got a good ticking off. By this stage they thought I was some nutter purposefully breaking the rules and gave me a ticking off and told me not to ignore the sign saying pit lane... which I couldn't see of course! The rest of the session was going ok until I forgot how far round the track I was and confused a wall for a stretch of track... so went into the wall at full speed... or in my case fool speed. What happened? I twisted the other knee of course.

With less than two weeks to camp I thought I might be in trouble. That night I was really struggling to walk and couldn't get up or downstairs, stand up from sitting or put any weight on either knee. The next day I woke up and it was much much much much worse.

Fortunately twisted knees don't last for ever and whilst it was very painful and very inconvenient within a week they were on the mend... although one of them is still a bit dodgy now even.